Medical Follies: Hospital and Healthcare Jokes

WARNING: Health care professionals have a sick sense of humor. Get it? Good. Now laugh it up reading the medical funnies below. If you're easily offended, please try some of our other pages.

This Week's Funny

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

There are things you just don't want to hear a doctor or nurse say during surgery. Here's a brief list. If you think of more, e-mail us!

Well folks, this will be a first for all of us.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
You sure it wasn't his right arm?
Hold it, everyone! I just lost a contact lens.
Can't read: does it say 50 cc or 500 cc?
By any chance is the patient an organ donor?
Damn! Page 16 of the manual is missing.
Is this the guy with no insurance?
Accept this sacrifice, O Prince of Darkness!

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Previous Jokes

Poor Customer Service?

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a birth control device company. These are customer complaints."

Life is a Terminal Disease

PATIENT: "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia."

Emergency First-Aid

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

"I saw a woman hit by a car," he said. "She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture."

"How horrible!" his friends exclaimed. "What did you do?"

"Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting."

— Submitted by K. Petrie

Below are jokes that were posted in earlier, in case you missed 'em, or want to revisit an old favorite.

Children vote down universal healthcare. [video]

Most children are strongly opposed to children's health care, according to a new study. Are these children worried that increased government funding is a slippery slope to socialized medicine? See the video for results from the latest study, courtesy of The Onion.

Professional Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,

"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.